I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
