Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
