I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
