I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
