I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
