your room smells of hookers.
And success
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
