i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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