If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
