If i come over, it means nothing
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
