So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
