Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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