I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
