ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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