It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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