Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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