the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
