1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
