i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We are two peas in an std pod
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
