it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
