I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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