You're a womanizer and a bitch.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
