the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
