I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
