You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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