They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I smell like Dick and happiness
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
