Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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