i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
