I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
