You're so nebulous sometimes
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
