does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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