Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
