he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
