pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
