Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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