nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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