"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
