I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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