You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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