I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
