is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
