Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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