Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
