I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
