i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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