dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
