Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
