JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
