I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
