I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
