I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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