Someone shit on the floor
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Panties = found
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