Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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